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“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever”. Psalm 16:11
The pain was excruciating as I called an ambulance for my husband late one night. Tom had been suffering from stomach cramps for a few days but we thought it was just the flu. I will always remember that night because it changed our lives in a way that was inconceivable. A day later the doctor did emergency surgery and removed Tom’s colon. He was diagnosed with colon cancer and given a colostomy. The impact of hearing the word cancer was indescribable, but the devastation that cancer produces is even worse. It seems like this story should belong to someone else. How could this happen to us?
Our first visit to the cancer clinic was overwhelming for both Tom and I. We were told the horrible news that the cancer moved into his liver and lung and that he had 3 months to a year to live.
Tom started chemotherapy on and off for two years. The chemo that was administered to Tom was to try to save his ‘life’ yet in the process it began to destroy his ‘living’. Tom would be so weak and tired that he would sleep for days.
Even though cancer was trying to stop us from living we did not give in. We still tried to enjoy some good moments. When you have cancer you don’t think in terms of years, months or days. It was not the extraordinary events that were important, but it was the ordinary moments spent together that became ‘sacred’.
As the months went by Tom refused further treatment. He wanted to spend the time with family and friends, laughing and making a difference in our lives…not in a cancer clinic. He wanted to be himself. He did not want cancer to destroy who he was as a person. He was not pretending that he wasn’t going to die. Tom knew that without a miracle from God, his time was limited. He wanted to make the best of that time, making memories we could all treasure.
One dark day the telephone rang, it was the doctor. He had looked at my husband’s CAT scan again and confirmed that after living with cancer for three years it now metastasized to his brain having only 3 months to live. I hung up the phone and proceeded into the bedroom and sat at my husband’s bedside to deliver the devastating news.
Only the sound of inconsolable sobbing from two people could be heard from that room. It was the ‘terrible beautiful’ moment. Even though we had to look at death’s terrible face, the cold reality of its finality, we had a chance to take our eyes off this world and truly look eternity in the face to see His plan of salvation. With eyes filled with tears it took a lifetime to see beyond ourselves, and to look deep into the heart of God. Two people not understanding His plan…but felt loved by Him in the midst of our pain.
Tom talked about heaven about how God had a place for him. That he would get to see his mom who had died a few years before. In a half joking way, I said, “Tom wouldn’t you know it I am the ‘bible thumper’ and now it looks like you are going to get to heaven first.” Tom tenderly said, “Connie I will be waiting for you. However, I don’t think I will be getting many rewards.” I replied, “Tom ever since I became a pastor, you have stood by my side as I ministered the gospel; you will have every one of my rewards and more. You will be rewarded for being a faithful, loving, hardworking husband and father.”
For three weeks Tom battled the cancer that was now destroying his brain. He lost all movement on his one side of his body. He could no longer walk or feed himself. He said in those last days, “Connie I would really like to stay and fight but the fight is all gone in me.”
In the hospital during Tom’s last moments of life I held his hand. He struggled to open his eyes to look at me one more time and in that moment I said my last “I love you.” Tom and I professed our love to each other but marriage had forced us to prove it.
I realized today that it was a different ‘I love you’ said in that hospital room than the ‘I love you’ said so many times during our 33 years of marriage. It wasn’t the romantic ‘I love you’ said as we dated. It wasn’t the ‘promise to love you’ said at the altar. And it wasn’t the frantic ‘I love you’ of a wife running down the driveway waving good-bye, yelling out, “I love you” as my husband was hurrying off to work. It wasn’t the times of frustration with clenched teeth saying, “I still love you.” It wasn’t even the comforting ‘I love you’ of a couple who became friends. It wasn’t words said to win favor, or approval. The ‘I love you’ said in that moment became an ‘agape love’ that flowed from the Savior’s heart through me.
I had officiated my husband’s funeral with a glorious hope giving him the honor he so deserved. Many said I had great courage. But I was not courageous. Often people in the beginning mistake shock as strength. Living without Tom each day is courageous. Each day I had to say to myself, “Tom is gone and he isn’t coming back.” When I accepted the reality that I would live in this world for the rest of my life without Tom I truly began to grieve.
You can’t wait grief out or push it away; because if you do it actually grows. I had to go through this dark tunnel of grief head on. Grief is hard work. I had to focus on God’s love, and His promises or I would get lost in self-pity, despair and the distractions of this world. Effective grief work is never done alone. When I talked about Tom and my turbulent feelings with family, friends and my church family I began to understand my grief and the journey through it.
As the months followed decisions became increasingly harder to make and my emotions were on a roller coaster of highs and lows. I became confused and fearful. During the day tidal waves of grief would hit me without warning and I was left struggling to catch my breath and at night I would wail in the darkness. At night I would lay in my bed and replay the moments just before Tom died in the hospital May 15, 2009. I helplessly watched him brutally suffer when I began to pray for Jesus to be merciful and take my husband home. Within minutes of that prayer I felt Tom’s heart stop and I was relieved. I struggled with that guilt for months. In my confusion I thought feeling relieved meant I was a terrible wife.
I was on a journey of wellness…spiritually, emotionally, and physically even through my grief.
I began doing things like exercising, going for long walks with a friend, seeing a Naturopath doctor to help me with a nutritional plan. I needed to attend to my physical well being that I neglected while Tom was sick.
When I started to ask, “How can I grow through this tragedy to become a better person?” I began to see grief having a purpose. I founded Faith Kept Ministries. It is a ministry that ministers to the sick and elderly. My life was given a purpose and I felt I was following God’s plan to bring a joy to the sick and lonely by visiting and listening to them. I began teaching how to minister to the sick and the elderly in various churches. Giving to others brought joy to my grief.
I hated eating my meals alone, no one was there to talk about my day, no one to greet me when I came home and I had no one to kiss good-night. During this period of grief a crucial choice was to be made. Would I focus on my loneliness or would I focus on ‘God with me’? I needed to feel and actually experience His presence. I needed to hear His voice but at times my pain spoke so loud that I couldn’t see or feel anything else.
If I truly believed that Jesus is with me, that He loves me, and that He would help me out of this darkness then I had to choose to rejoice in that hope. Each day I would sit quietly and listen for His voice, read His word and pray. I committed my time and my heart’s desire to search for Him in the darkness of my grief. I soon discovered that even grief can have joy if we are in the presence of the Lord.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 14:10
As you read my story, maybe you are grieving some loss in your own life. Do you choose hope over despair? Do you choose joy even in your grief? There is only ‘one thing’ that will comfort you and me in our pain. It is a Saviour who loves us so much that He will never leave our side. And in that we can rejoice!
“I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.” Psalm 16:8
Written by: Pastor Connie Hale
Faith Kept Ministries
Author of: “Champion Over the Darkness”
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